new beningging

remember that phrase was viral in 2018 after a politician speech? 😜

well, today's post is not about it actually. It's just that new semester has begin today. As a research student, I may not feel any difference since I've got no semester break. 

However, remember that last semester I took 2 classes? Yeah, the result came out yesterday. and  until now, I have no guts to take a peek to see my result. i don't know what i should do. i mean, i know that i've spoilt both classes' assignments. Late and half done submission, and now i cannot bear the fact that i may need to repeat that subject again. (i've the feeling of repeating paper next semester.)

somehow, i feel like i wanna rebel. i am in the process of accept the fact that i've lost a dear supporter. 3 months passed by but i just cannot handle the pressure of assignments and that stress feeling at the same time back then. thus, this is the result. NOTHING. NULL. NIL. NADA. I am the one who lost in the mental battle. 

Maybe some of you will say, 

"it's only small matter"

"how can you put away your academic life?"

well, i just did.

i guess, repeat paper is not a bad thing after all. at one point, of course it's a waste of time and money. but, on a bright side, i can have a deep learning, and have more time and supervision from experts. i feel love. i really hope experience is my best teacher. may mistakes taught me well and i learn something from it.

writing this post makes my day a lil bit gloomy but i am hoping for a full moonlight.

Duduk Manis

Remember I've planned to write 3 pages per day i my previous post? Guess what. I did it! 😁

the story goes like this.
I've planned to meet my lecturer so, I need to prepare things before we meet. However, that morning I cannot find my files and asked my friend. Luckily she had the file with her and i need to get it ASAP. Off I went to her room. Long story short, there's a lot for us to catch up and I start my work at 10 😅 LATE. At school, I went here and there, met few people, chit chat, munch, and one hour later, I sat on my sit. Tapi tu lah. Nak dapat feel tu bukan senang. Nama pun LR. Baca balik, tambah artikel lagi sampailah pukul 2. Kawan-kawan ajak makan pun tak dapat nak join.

Break jap and start balik 2.30. Klimaksnya ialah, dari pukul 2.30 sampai pukul 5 tu, elok pulak boleh fokus and siap 3 pages. wehh, kerja 3 bulan aku yang tertangguh tu aku boleh buat dalam 3 jam je. 😱 walaupun tak perfect, tapiii... uishh!

1, membazirnya 3 bulan aku dok divert n lovehate relationship dengan LR.
2, aku pun tak percaya aku boleh fokus. ni maybe kes rasa terdesak ni. haha
3, tapi dah terlambat sebenarnya. terpaksa cancel jumpa lecturer sebab tak sempat siap whole chapter.

my pillow thought semalam macamni,
dulu sekali belajar je dah terus masuk kepala and boleh score.
makin besar, nak PMR, SPM rasa rajin tu dah kurang tapi still ilmu boleh lekat and excel exam.
masuk uni, real challenge. Berapa kali belajar pun, tak masuk-masuk kepala. Pastu menyesal. Pastu rasa nak quit.

Semalam, rasa lagi teruk sebab, rasa malas nak put effort 😟😟  kenapa dulu sekali buat je dah jadi? kenapa sekarang kena repeat? rasa major loser. i am defeated.

At this point, ada 2 yang aku deduce;

1,  ni quote cikgu sekolah aku dulu n ni memory-based quote. Katanya, "ilmu itu putih. Yang putih takkan lekat dalam hati yang hitam" buang yang hitam dulu, baru putih boleh masuk.
2, memang aku kena usaha lagi. "Dia nak ajar erti struggle ni. Office kat atas tu bukak 24/7. Pergilah buat report." (W, 2019) Biarlah repeat, biarlah lambat. Asalkan aku belajar dari kesilapan.

Duduk Manis is a term introduced to me by W, siginifies bila kita duduk manis je atas kerusi, create mind set, insya Allah boleh fokus writing.

It's a Progress

Back to reality. 

During Master in research, students will be assigned to supervisor (SVs). Whether it is only 1 SV, or 2. They will guide students throughout the journey. Ada sv yang focus on method, ada yang focus on writing. Depends.

In my case, I have 2 SVs. Kitorang ada weekly meeting. So, tiap-tiap minggu kena update progress. Tiap-tiap mingu jugaklah ada post-meeting syndrome. Well, fellow friends kata it's good to keep  updated with SV. Sebab kita akan stay on track insya Allah. Ada je yang meeting 2 minggu/sebulan sekali. Once again, it's up to students and SV. No harm done.

Well, up to this week, aku baru sekali tak dapat join meeting. Sebab laptop aku rosak weh! Ada 1 malam tu aku stay up. Tak sure pukul berapa, aku terlelap. Laptop aku buat sleepmode je. Nak jadi cerita, bangun pagi tu laptop tak boleh hidup. Siang tu terus bagitahu SV. Malam tu mintak orang tengokkan laptop. Dia try on sekali je, pastu terus kemas. Simpan laptop. Tak cakap apa pun. Dah siap kemas, dia kata dia kena bawak balik. Rasa seluruh jiwaku pergi. 😢 Dahlah esoknya patut ada weekly meeting, laptop tak ada backup, assignment berlambak, semua tu nak kena setel sebelum weekend sebab nak balik. 

Luckily SV faham and excuse me untuk jumpa next time je. Alhamdulillah, lepas 2 hari, laptop dah boleh hidup and still boleh pakai. Hidup la aku macam biasa buat kerja.

3 minggu dah jalan, sampailah latest meeting which is last week. Ok, frankly speaking, bila setiap minggu aku masuk meeting tapi tak ada progress, aku akan jadi sesak tau sebenarnya. Mana nak cover malu dengan SVs, rasa bersalah dengan diri sendiri lagi. Aku pulak memang ada masalah dalam writing. 

Actually, research ni ada banyak step. Ada method, programming, data collection, writing, etc. Macam aku yang involve dengan quantitative data ni, core part gonna be analysing (method). Tapi yang tak syoknya ialah aku ni dah biasa dengan terms, numbers and symbols, aku jadi kurang kreatif. Aku stuck dekat reading, writing. 2 bulan aku divert writing tu dengan data collection la apa la. Sampai la last week, aku memang kena hadap jugak dengan literature review (LR). Chapter 1, chapter 3 dah pass, chapter 2 ni stuck. Plus, aku ni jenis kalau tak faham something, terus aku block otak aku dari brain benda-benda susah tu. 

Masa meeting last week, aku jujur bagitahu SVs yang aku stuck kat sini, sini, sini. Benda tu kecik je pun weh, maybe sebab aku dah simpan lama and tu first time aku jumpa benda tu, aku rasa tu masalah besar. Guess what, SV sikit pun tak marah. Dia explain sikit, pastu pesan banyakkan membaca. Waktu tu dah start blur dah.

Habis meeting, dah wrap up, nak salam la. SV tu senyum je, pastu aku cakap, 

"Saya tak pandai, Dr"

"Kamu pandailah", Dr aku reply lembut je.

Tak semena-mena, laju pulak air mata aku turun. Tak boleh control pulak tu. Buat pertama kalinya, aku menangis depan SVs.

Keluar bilik meeting, dia bagi pesan lagi.

"lepas ni kena banyakkan bertanya."

"reach out kawan-kawan"

pastu dia usik kata aku manja sambil tepuk pelan pelan bahu aku 😆😆 baru la aku stop nangis sebab, weh, aku tak manja. aku cengeng je. KAH

One word, LEGA. Bukan lega sebab kerja dah siap, tapi rasa kurang sikit beban tu. 

Akak-akak PhD pun bagi semangat kat aku jugak. Rasa terharu sangat. 

Dalam aku dok canang aku tak ada kawan, aku sorang-sorang dalam buat research ni, ada je orang sekeliling sebenarnya yang aku tak umpamakan. Kejam, kan? 

'Akaliah.. Akaliah.. Apa kau expect orang belai, duduk sebelah kau sepanjang masa ke?'

'Tak, aku tak expect macam tu. Cuma...'

'Cuma apa? Kau nak orang bela kau? Back up kau walaupun memang kau salah?'

'Tak!'

'Kau nak at ease. Nak ada orang lagi rendah dari kau, supaya kau tak rasa bersalah dengan diri sendiri, pastu tangguhkan kerja lagi. Kan?' 

'Aku nak push factor aku balik!'

'Sudah-sudahlah berangan. Tahu kan sebenarnya kau tengah hancurkan masa depan kau sendiri? Kau tak boleh ubah hakikat orang yang biasa ada dengan kau dah pergi. Biarkan dia pergi. Yang depan mata ni bukan orang? Sampai bila nak harap benda yang tak pasti? Sampai bila nak cakap tak pandai, tak reti? Sampai bila-bila pun kau takkan ke mana'

'......'

'Bukak mata hati, Akaliah. Dunia ni luas. Journey kau panjang lagi. Berlambak je orang kat luar sana yang dah berjaya. Dalam kejayaan tu, banyak duka yang diorang dah hadap. Kau punya sorrow ni tak mencabar langsung. Bazir masa. Bazir tenaga'

footnote: Tipu la tak ada rasa nak quit. Tapi, tu lah tu. Perang otak ni penat. Kena makan, tidur lagi KAH

Year of Khinzirian

Happy New Year! 

I'm gonna be quite personal in this post, actually. Ada rasa nak recap 2018 and semadikan dalam ni mana tahu it might be useful in the future. 😊
January 2018 is tough sebab still dengan final exam mode and at the same time i've lost my granny. Kena berpisah dengan my bff sebab tempat intern lain negeri and dah habis dah life kat UUM. Cuti tu duduk rumah. Waktu tu la start belajar duduk dapur. 

February dah start intern. Adapting tempat baru, usaha nak amik lesen yang tergendala sampai sekarang sebab nama kena blacklist dengan JPJ, gastrik teruk time bulan puasa, and itulah start duduk sorang. Ada la rasa menyesal duduk sorang sebab serius bosan n boleh murung. I'm quite talkative tapi nak converse in english dengan housemate all the time tu fikir banyak kali juga hee

Seronok ke intern? OK je. Kena tahu passion and be decisive. 

April ada pilihan raya. First time voting. Kelakar sebab ingatkan kena mengundi pakai dakwat tu.  And, terkesan dengan penerimaan abah yang obviously kecewa terhadap #MalaysiaBaru 

Tapi June dah raya! Internship dah habis. F gigih duo ride datang raya kat rumah, tapi 1 gambar pun tak sempat snap. haihh. Time ni dah pro la sikit kat dapur. 

support system 1

support system 2

Le sv and internmate

tolcha dah pro sikit kan 

July dah kena fokus dekat report semula walaupun terbabas sampai end of August. Tapi ok la despite kena jaga makcik, dapat jugak siapkan report tu walaupun last minute.

October tu betul-betul mencabar. Register Master, catch up kelas yang dah 2 minggu jalan, basic necessities tak cukup sampaikan tumpang bilik junior 2 bulan. Love life dah start goyah. Even my convo in November tu pun busy sebab nak kejar due date sv, class, and settling parents. My sis pun  dah start kerja. #WelcometoAdultLife

Beautiful people with beautiful heart 1

Beautiful people with beautiful heart 2

Trying to move on

Of course I am waiting for December so much cuz it's my birthday month! Proud to be myself sebab dapat treat my family dengan duit sendiri. Walaupun tak semua, still, #achievementunlocked! oh ya, my roomie, R pun dapat kerja yang dia idamkan. So happy for her and i almost cried.

What can I conclude?

1. To F, thank you and sorry. May Allah protect you. 
2. Welcome to adulthood. Life is the mixture of easy and difficult. Bila senang, be grateful and share your happiness and blessings with others. Bila susah, cepat-cepat audit diri. Ada hari yang malas tu, haih! Sebab frankly speaking, fasa 20an ni ialah masa untuk kita enjoy dan fikir karier, kan?  Every single decision we made is solely on us so semoga diberkati dan dipermudahkan urusannya.
3. I don't know whether I can afford to lose anyone again or not.

Azam 2019?

Apparently, someone asked me the same question just now. 

Kalau tanya 2 hari lepas, my answer would be nak cari calon pasangan hidup, nak kumpul duit, nak kahwin. Tapi, entah kenapa, bila dapat soalan ni tadi, I am stuttered. Kejung. Nerve cells disconnected. 

Of course nak habiskan Master, tapi research life is so challenging. I cannot expect anything will be good all the time. Apatah lagi nak grad on time. 😂 tapi tak baik mengeluh kan? Nangis je la mampu.

Nak financially stable? Baru nak mula hidup, confirm la ada turun naik, turun tak naik naik, naik turun turun. 😅 (semoga murah dan berterusan rezekiku untuk 2019)

Nak enjoy mungkin. Before this selalu refrain diri sendiri dari buat something/pergi anywhere. 

Maybe jugak, this year harap boleh tinggalkan benda-benda sedih/negatif & make a better me. Focus on self-growth. Nak cari identiti sendiri semula. Nak unclip my wings. Nak jadi lagi kuat, lagi konsisten, lagi penyabar. 

Semoga dipertemukan dengan orang-orang yang bermakna dan saling membantu. Semoga terus kuat hadapi dugaan yang Tuhan bagi. 

footnote: I've been practicing this du'a since last 2 weeks. 

"Semoga Nor Akaliah dipermudahkan urusan, grad on time, dikurniakan jodoh yang melengkapi menerima diri seadanya, dan dapat husnul khotimah."

Amin YRA!

The 1st Young Researchers Symposium

Based on the title itself dah tahu nak cerita apa kali ni kan? :)

Sama mcam previous post, nak describe pengalaman and bagi a lil bit review. 

Basically, ni first time SQS organize symposium hence the program ada letak 'The 1st'. Then, ini antara committee yang kecik, cooperative, and well-functioned i've ever join. Kitorang semua student postgrad. Maybe faktor umur.  They reached maturity level already (I am excluded). Despite assignments and hectic week, they all managed to handle it. Seronok! Dapat pulak coordinator yang masuk kepala, n particular so kredit untuk well balance kat situ.

Secondly, participants. I am totally amazed for participants sebab majority of them ialah undergrad students. Early exposure is crucial. Lagi-lagi untuk quantitative sciences, courses yang ada high graduate employability tapi low promotion, causing few people yang determine nak further studies in these courses. Contoh terdekat, last year, Decision Science course sendiri duduk dalam hot cup sampaikan KPT sarankan tutup course. Sedangkan majoriti lepasan Decision Science dapat proper position in working sector. Back to symposium, it is a good platform for them to educate others like prospect employers and public tentang apa yang you belajar during degree and also, mana tahu ada yang berminat nak sambung belajar lagi. :)

Next, ada jugak postgrad participants (which is to me, sama macam SLCP Conference event) yang nak peer-reviewed, tambah publication, etc. Ada tu, lecturer school sendiri. Cuak ok. These educated and superior people really scares me sebab kita level marhaen sahaja. But it is totally good way of sharing ideas and PR kan after all? 😊

Thirdly, I love the issues brought by the invited speakers. First speaker talked about integrity of data analyst. Dia cerita current issue yang banyak berlaku dalam real world data science lately. It made me realize the importance of being precise and particular. Second speaker presented research that has been done by her team. since i already in optimization field, i feel that sebenarnya banyak je cabang untuk diaplikasikan/ yang student boleh pergi dalam data science/quantitative sciences. and, deep in my heart,ada la sikit rasa ralat atas kemalasan dan kejahilanku zaman dahulu kala.

If you are interested in any symposium/conference, what do you need?

1. Be ready. Be it mentally or physically. Kena ada dalam optimum health state.
2. Be an early bird. Register awal (harga early bird usually lil bit cheaper), datang awal, prepare material awal. Sebab we cannot expect everything gonna be as we please.
3. Back up. Ada orang yang simpan slide kat emel and OL. bila ada masalah internet, laju je ada back up kat pendrive.
4. Laptop as first life. This baby device is super sensitive and dia boleh 'sakit' bila-bila masa especially bila dia penat. So, careful.
5. Lastly, be proactive. Ha yang ni even me myself trying to practice. Because, our culture, Malay, we are well trained of spoon-feed. Bila dah lepas teenage years, you will be treated differently. Ilmu tu takkan datang bergolek, takkan terbang melayang directly to you. Mingle around with new people. 
6. Never underestimate others. Sometimes, kita rasa kita ni ada background yang hebat tau. Good pr, ada kabel saiz trojan, rasa paper/tajuk kita paling bagus, apa-apa la. Well, orang lain pun hebat tau. They are just being humble.

Cheers!

whole audience

our committee

standing: invited speaker 1, sit from right: invited speaker 1, Dean

poster evaluation

paper presentation

me